I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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