thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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