Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
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You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
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I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
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