Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
