can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
