I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize