You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The struggles of a small town man whore
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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