She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
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yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
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Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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