I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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