woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
