And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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