I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
