I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
