Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
