Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
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