Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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