I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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