Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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