I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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