ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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