he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
