FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
