Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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