you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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