Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
