You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
