I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
