dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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