I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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