He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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