someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
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note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
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I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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