The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
