then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
