I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
