i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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