Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
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