I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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