I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
