I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
