The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
