Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
