No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
