just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
