Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
