Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
