My nipple is on Facebook.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
