I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
