In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
