I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
