She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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