So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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