someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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