So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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