i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
