my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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