i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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