Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Randomize
