I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
